


Mouth watering

by LikeStarlight



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Dirty Talk, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-07
Updated: 2014-08-07
Packaged: 2018-02-12 06:27:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2099010
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LikeStarlight/pseuds/LikeStarlight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Bilbo talks dirty to a pudding.</p><p>(A twist to the cliche "Bilbo seduces someone by eating food with gusto" aka dumb author thought it funny if hobbits did "foreplay" with food at feasts.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mouth watering

To say that the arrival at Beorn’s had been troublesome was quite an understatement, considering the fact that many a headaches later (mainly caused by the fact that the dwarves clearly didn’t understand the concept about ‘easing into a matter’, nor, well, being polite in general) and, in Gandalf and Bilbo’s case, tries at charming the shape-shifter, Beorn agrees with having them as guests, despite his lack of belief in their story. 

The dwarves seemingly take great offense in this fact and whatnot, with everyone all of sudden sporting rather put-upon expressions-- but with a sharp look thrown their way by their hobbit they held their tongues, which Bilbo thanked the heavens for.

He then proceeded with flashing a civil, friendly smile up to Beorn, only briefly, since actually trying to maintain some decent eye contact with him took too much of a strain to Bilbo’s neck-- and he said with a small shrug, rocking back and forth on his heels and balls of his furry feet;

“I must say that I would probably share that very same sentiment was I in your position. Since frankly, Master Beorn, I have trouble believing that this surreal journey has happened at all, even now with me being in it. So I cannot fault you for that especially when you’ve shown such kindness as to let us stay for the time being in this lovely abode! Truly, I did love Rivendell, but this is cozy in a way Rivendell wasn’t. That-- That is And the animals, goodness, if you lived near the Shire I can assure you that wee hobbit children would swarm your house, Master Beorn. Undoubtedly!” He gave a small nod at the last word to emphasis. 

Bilbo blinked. He then blushed and a hand was brought up to nervously fiddle with his vest buttons, “Oh dear, my apologies, I did not mean to babble.” 

While Bilbo looked rather thoroughly embarrassed, Beorn looked thoroughly charmed and rather taken by the thought of having plenty little wee Bilbo-like children running about, and the shape-shifter smiled in a way that made him look not at all that intimidating. 

Meanwhile the dwarrows didn’t know whether to feel betrayed, proud or charmed as well-- and Gandalf was sporting a positively smug look. 

This all went unexpectedly well.

\------ 

 

That was, until Beorn called in his animal friends to serve dessert after a delicious meal that consisted of honey, bread, berries and much more! (Although there was no meat, much to the dwarrows dismay.) 

And oh, was Beorn generous with dessert, there were tarts and cakes in all forms and shapes, balanced on top of the animals that walked with careful grace as the company around the table ‘oooo’ and ‘aaaah’d at the very sight. 

But one hobbit was completely silent, surprisingly so, since he’d been talking about cakes and pastries wistfully on the journey-- he was expected to be the most excited about this! But alas, the hobbit simply watched with alerted eyes as the plates were put on the table, his eyes dark and dilated-- looking hungry with utter need. 

His mouth was parted slightly and was breathing out small puffs of hot air, his chest heaving up and down gently in unison to his breathing. “Oh, I’ve been thinking about this for quite a while,” he said to a delicious looking pudding that was put down nearby him. And that would be a normal(ish) thing to say except his tone was low and his voice was raspy-- filled with desire and…. lust?

Kili who sat beside him couldn’t help but shiver, his eyes widening as he looked around the table to see if he was the only one who thought it strange. But no, everyone except Gandalf seemed startled. 

“Look at you-- Bugger, I could swallow you whole,” Bilbo continued on obliviously. A pink tongue swiped across his lower lip, “You have no idea what you do to me.”

Bofur laughed, to his credit only slightly uncomfortably, "Been on the road a bit too long have you, lad?" And his efforts were met with a couple of scattered laughs. 

The hobbit paid them no attention whatsoever, continuing on as if there was none but him and the food in the room. He ushered breathlessly to a carrot cake set close to him, "You look so hot, you're positively killing me here, Gods," he caught his lower lip with his teeth before going on again, swallowing, "Oh-- I'd want your taste to linger, to stay even afterwards as a reminder. I want you to fill me up so badly, heavens, I'd feel so full." His voice was uncharacteristically sultry.

It was almost comical, the look on the dwarrows faces, as they had no idea how to react. Some were clearing their throats with burning cheeks, fiddling with their collars as necks all around itched badly. "Oh dear me," Ori uttered with scarlet ears.  
The elder were torn between being scandalized and amused and in the end settled for both, but no one could bring themselves to interrupt and break the thick tension that had dawned onto almost everyone. Gandalf was still only just casually sipping his tea, his eyes merry with amusement. 

Bilbo shook his head as if he snapped back from something, and once more he leered at the pudding. "But don't think I've forgotten about you, my sweet." Bilbo finally opted for actually digging into the dessert, and as the spoon dug into the pudding effortlessly he sharply inhaled. He purred, "Just look at you. Gorgeous. All moist and warm inside for me." 

He brought the spoon to his mouth, and as his lips enveloped the piece of pudding his eyes fluttered shut blissfully and his eyebrows knitted together. A _very_ appreciative throaty hum was let out. Last but not least, Bilbo apparantely deemed it very neccessary to lick the spoon clean. 

"I'll drag the moment out to be nice and slow, savour every piece of you. Oh, I want you badly. I would have you right here on this table, every night and day," he breathed as if it was a promise. This could, with no small amount of desire, be taken into a different context. Which some dwarrows had no trouble to do, judging by the way a good handful kept shifting in their seats with unblinking eyes on the hobbit. 

And true to his words, Bilbo was. Since he surely did take his sweet time to eat. The room was soon filled with the occasional small moan and even one or two grunts as Bilbo feasted, too caught up in his own world to even bother thinking about how unusually quiet the rest were.

The time came where he was finished, naturally. He put the spoon down neatly beside the plate and leaned back in his chair with a hand on his belly. With his head thrown back, he sighed happily. "That was an experience," he said absently, looking fully satisfied. 

"I'll say," Balin coughed.

Bofur took on a slightly less subtle approach, "By Durin's beard, what was _that_?" If his voice sounded awfully hoarse no one was about to point it out. 

Bilbo shot a quizzical look towards him, all doe eyes and pursed lips. "What was what?" And his voice was coloured with such innocence that it made the table wonder if they all just had imagined Bilbo deepthroating a spoon just a moment earlier. 

Slowly coming to it, Bilbo's eyes scanned the table and widened when he saw how little everyone had eaten. "What's with all you? No place left for dessert? Let me tell you, you're missing out, truly." He turned to smile at a slack-jawed Beorn. Said, "Thank you for the meal, it was so, so lovely. But you'll have to excuse me--"

He hopped down from the chair and stretched lazily, "A nap would be excellent right about now." He nodded curtly at the dwarrows with a warm, "I strongly recommend you try the pudding, it's delicious."

And then he left with a certain skip to his step, like a tornado leaving nothing but astonishment in his wake. All while whistling a joyous tune. 

There was utter silence in the room for a good while before Gandalf chuckled, "You should see the family gatherings."

**Author's Note:**

> First fanfiction in years and it's the most ridiculous crack. Go figure.
> 
> You know the gig, leave comments to make dem happy squeals erupt, leave kudos if you wanna leave kudos and have a very good day, lovelies!


End file.
